But, we have no celebration for THE passage. The one many of us are in the midst of. News flash! Hot flash!
M-E-N-O-P-A-U-S-E.
I think it's high time. I mean, by the time we hit menopause the bridal shower/wedding gifts are rags - or long gone, our kitchen appliances are worthy of the Smithsonian, and sexy lingerie? Pffffft! It might be time for a new gift registry.
Then again, I doubt I'd register for pots and pans, matching towels, or any of the stuff that seemed so important in the past. Nope, I imagine that a Menopause Shower, or Pause Party, might involve a whole different set of gifts:
- Spanx. Remember back when you were a kid and your Mom or Dad would say "settle down!"? It's happened. Oh yeah, things are settling down. C'mon tell the truth, after age 50 we don't need bra sizes in A-B-C-etc. We need small, medium, and long. Then there's the tummy pooch...it's not a muffin top, those are for the young. This is more as though the refrigerator muffin can split part way down and a lil' fluffy part of the doughboy is escaping. Wriggle into a pair of Spanx (or two) and voila! Locked and loaded. Take that doughboy!
- Tweezers. It's a fact of life that no one shares. After a certain age: Men. Lose. Hair. Women. Find. It.
- A fan. Or two. Global warning, it's science. Whether it's caused by all the boomer women having hot flashes is up for debate. All I know is that I am one hot momma. And always at inopportune times. Like night. And day.
- Kleenex. Once again, we are in hormone hell. Puberty hormones bring on crushes and tears over boys. Pregnancy hormones bring on cravings and nesting. Post partum hormones bring on tears watching diaper commercials. Menopause hormones bring on all of the above and more. A menopausal woman can cry when a horse dies in a John Wayne movie; don't even get me started about what happens watching Forrest Gump at Jenny's grave, or the sweet story of Carl and Ellie at the beginning of the movie "Up". Anybody got a tissue?....
- An egg timer. At the opposite end of the emotional roller coaster, I bring you women's favorite scene from "Fried Green Tomatoes". Ta-Wan-Da! Kathy Bates cheerfully rear-ends the sassy young parking spot snatcher's VW, "...Face it girls. I'm older and have more insurance." The term "short fuse" may have been invented to describe a menopausal woman after suffering an injustice. "Injustice" has a broad meaning and can include misdemeanors such as another shopper having eleven items in the ten-item-or-less checkout through felonies such as a confrontation with bureaucracy in beige at the DMV. A mandatory three minute egg timer cooling off prior to verbal response, or hitting send on an email, might be a menopausal woman's best friend.
- The head of the man who invented polyester (I'm having a Salome moment). I mean really...is there anything less comfortable in a heat wave than a fabric that does not breath and has a familial chemical relationship with saran wrap? The inventor had to be a man, and his brother invented the mammogram machine. But that's another story.
- Wine. Wine of the Month may not be often enough. Is there a Wine of the Week Club? For some reason life after 50 just goes down better with a wee bit of spirits. And we do want to get our daily five servings of fruit and vegetables in, don't we?
- Moisturizer. It's not really hard to be a skin specialist. The great law of dermatology is this: "If it is wet, make it dry. If it is dry, make it wet." After age 50 you can forget the first half of that scientific law. It's all dry. Skin on your face, legs, feet, hands, and lord-help-me, heels. My heels are so coarse they could polish up any pesky stony ridges on Lincoln's nose at Mt. Rushmore. Long gone is the oily skin of youth. Now, the last time my face glowed was when I had a hot flash by candlelight in a power outage. Those little tubes and jars of moisturizer at Walgreen's are like a salsa sample at the grocery - enough to wet your appetite but not much more. We need the Keg-o-Alpha Keri lotion or some similar Sam's Club size lubricant.
- And speaking of moisture....K-Y Jelly. The gift that keeps on giving. That's all I'm going to say about that.
- Friendship. The best gift of all. I've always said that woman need other women, like flowers need sunshine and rain. And that's never so true as after age 50. I laugh more, listen more, lean on and be there to support more now than any other time in my life. I think it's because we women in the "pause" have learned so much about what is true and valuable. We still have vibrancy and vigor and the freedom to be ourselves, not just the roles that we have filled. "Life is good" is more than a tee-shirt. Whether we are struggling with end of life worries, beginning of life joys, mid-life crises, or the grind of daily life, we know that it is good. Because we are here and we have strong friends to walk the journey along with us. So, are you with me? Party on!
Well I would add some magic secret to cure insomnia. Preferably not habit forming, not hangover heavy' but allowing a person to 1. fall asleep, and 2. get back to sleep every time you get up at night to go to go to the bathroom.
ReplyDeleteAnother gift would be a collection of pleasant reading (no freakishly scary, murder related or political intrigue, thank you very much). to read when you wake up for the third time in 2 hours and cannot get back to sleep. And add batteries for that reading light that always manages to go out during the good part.